E-POSTSODE 4: DRIVING ME DIZZY
INT/EXT / DAVID'S CAR / EARLY EVENING
(Toti & David are on their way home from a day-trip in the south of Manila. They are playing 'Categories' to while away the time in traffic...)
TOTI
...Denmark?
DAVID
...said it...
TOTI
...uhm...uh...Dominican Republic!
DAVID
Ok. Djibouti.
TOTI
Huh? D' Beauty?
DAVID
Dji-bou-ti...
TOTI
No such country exists. You're making it up...
DAVID
Bet?
TOTI
Ok you win. Enough of geography. Can I pick the next category?... Famous Gay or Lesbian Couples... Past or Present... Oscar Wilde and Lord Alfred Douglas...
DAVID
...Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas....
TOTI
How about Merchant I-forgot-his-first-name & James Ivory?
DAVID
Merchant & Ivory ha? Very well... Dolce & Gabbana...
TOTI
Rock Hudson and James Dean...
DAVID
Just because they had a fling doesn't make them a couple? Besides it was all hearsay... Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche.
TOTI
Duh?! Ellen Degeneres AND Portia Da Rossi.
DAVID
Ernie and Bert
TOTI
Ernie and Bert aren't gay! If they were they'd keep up with the fashion times. Bert is still wearing that stupid striped v-neck shirt! Retro is soooo last millenium?! I'm talking about real famous gay & lesbian couples. Not muppets. Your turn!
(David makes a sharp left turn...)
TOTI
David...!
DAVID
You told me to turn!
(They hear a police siren behind them. Policeman in motorcycle overtakes and signals David to pull over... David stops car by the side as police walks toward them)
TOTI
Oh no... Just bribe him...
DAVID
I'm not going to bribe anyone...
TOTI
This will just take sooooo long...
DAVID
Good evening officer. I didn't know you couldn't turn left back there...
POLICE
It's ok Sir... we're just making random checks... where are you from, sir?
DAVID
Oh we live a few blocks from here, near Reposo...
POLICE
No, I mean what country are you from?
DAVID
Oh, I'm from California, USA.
POLICE
Oh, I have many relatives there!
TOTI
(mutters to himself) utang na loob, chumika pa ang hitad... (and he has the nerve to small talk...)
DAVID
Have you been to California before?
POLICE
No, but I plan to go this year. My visa was denied before... maybe you can help me...
TOTI
Uhm, David... I think we have to go... (To police) Sir, baka naman pwede na po kaming... nagmamadali po kasi itong kasama ko at may overseas call pa syang inaantay (Sir, would it be okay if we... my friend here is in a rush, he's expecting an overseas call...)
POLICE
Sir, will you please open your luggage compartment... this is just a routine random check... there have been bomb threats we have received lately... (Police goes to rear of car...)
TOTI
Will you please stop making small talk with the police. You never know what these guys are capable of... what if he plants some contraband at the back of the car?!
DAVID
But he seems genuinely nice... I don't think he's going to do...
POLICE
Okay sir, you may go now... if you want I can escort you...
TOTI
Ay! Wag na po, dyan lang naman po kami nakatira... (It's alright, we just live near from here)
POLICE
(To David) Ok, here's my card, just in case you get into any traffic problem in Makati, show the police my card, tell them I'm your friend (He winks at David and smiles)
(David gets card, shakes the hand of the police officer and thanks him. They drive off...)
TOTI
Did you see that?
DAVID
(feigning ignorance) What?
TOTI
He was coming on to you!
DAVID
(looking at the card and grinning) He wasn't...
TOTI
I saw him wink at you! And policemen don't give out their cards?!
DAVID
He was just being nice... and if you were nicer to other people as well, without being catty all the time, you'll see, people will be nice to you too...
TOTI
And you were leading him on!
DAVID
(teasingly) Oh, Honey... you're jealous...
TOTI
It's just that... I always thought... between the two of us... I was the gorgeous one...
DAVID
And you are, honey. You're a looker.... Maybe you're not just his type... that's all. No need to get upset about it...
TOTI
You're not going to call him are you?
DAVID
Huh? No...
TOTI
Give me his card...
DAVID
Keep the card in the car... you never know when it's going to come in handy... besides you don't drive...
TOTI
Let me see his card, I'll google him...
DAVID
(hands Toti the card) ...ogle all you want, dear!
TOTI
Oh... my... god... (Toti is looking at card in disbelief. At the backside of the card is a photo of the policeman in leather and bondage paraphernalia... he is smiling in the photo... there is a caption that says... "I'm yours. If you're bad!")
DAVID
(looking straight down the road, whistling the first two lines of YMCA...) Why do I always attract the creeps and weirdos...?!
TOTI
ULOL! (Hits David's arm with his abanico)
A new e-postsode of Toti & David will be posted every Sunday.
ULOL -- shithead
abanico -- fan
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