COSMETIC SURGERY

I'm thinking of undergoing some cosmetic surgery. I've thought about it a lot lately. The premier plastic surgeon and beauty guru to the stars and rich and famous in the Philippines has been on the news lately. Not to mention GMA's leaking you-know-what. I figured since everyone is having something done to their bodies, might as well join the fray and see if it's truly a life enriching experience.

MOLES

I have a huge one next to my left temple and is visible now that I keep my hair cropped. I'm keeping the mole. The old folks believed that the larger a mole is near the temples, the smarter that person is. I'm actually thinking of having it tattooed to a darker color even -- just to up the IQ points.

I am having my mole on my second toe on the right foot removed. My Grandma used to say that moles on feet make the bearer a lakwatsero (wanderlust). I will be transplanting that mole instead on the middle of my right palm. When I close my right hand I will have clasped that mole securely, so now I will be more thrifty.

For vanity, I might have a mole tattooed on my upper lip, right side. Then I hope to sing at Mar Roxas' next birthday... "Hap...py Birth...day, Mister Pre...si...dent..." and look at the news media straight in their eyes and confidently say "I sleep only in Chanel No. 5".

HANDS

Thank God for genetics I don't have spider veins or arthritic hands. For my age I think my hands look and feel good. Lotion every evening does the key. (From my dear friend, Lee Tabert: I should have said: 'Lotion every evening is the key OR Lotion every evening does the job -- July 31) I, however, would like my thumbs surgically altered. You see they point straight up when I do the 'Thumbs Up' sign. My Grandma used to say that was a sign of foolhardiness when it comes to personal finances. A true thrifty person has thumbs that arch backwards towards the wrist. Will the doctors cut a ligament to achieve this effect? I don't care, I want thrifty thumbs. Then I can 'like' all I want on Facebook!

I want the lump on my right hand by the wrist removed. But my techie friend says I should just get a better mouse pad, the one wherein your wrist can rest on a lump of black polyurethane. I will give that a try, so in the meantime I am having my crooked, little finger repaired. I cut that finger playing with my father's razor when I was 3 or 4 years old... and cried wee-wee-wee all the way to my mommy.

I will have my knuckles (along with my elbows) bleached. They're dark and prone to dryness. But that's all I'm bleaching. Who needs/wants to look like Regine Velasquez anyway? You think Retinol-A cream will help? I read lemons will do, but does that mean I will start drinking tequila again? I like my Asian skin tone. My melamine (again, Ms. Lee Tabert sez it's melanin not melamine, oh dear, I think I should stop posting while inebriated! HA! -- July 31) won't make me prone to skin cancer plus the Nordic men like tanned, um, girls.

TEETH

I spent a fortune two years ago to save three molars via root canal. The entire procedure took up almost two months. Looking back, I should've just asked my cute dentist to pull out the molars. It would force me to revert back to vegetarianism (no more barbecue or crispy pata) but most of all I'll have sunken cheeks giving the impression that I have cheekbones like those European male models in fashion magazines. But then again, I wouldn't have spent 2 hours twice a week for 7 weeks in my Hunk-Dentist's clinic. I remember, I'm due for my next cleaning next month. Yippee!

I will have my teeth cleaned regularly in the hopes I will finally quit smoking. No my teeth aren't stained. I don't drink coffee or tea. Red wine only when it's free. I don't drink soda either so my enamel is just fine. I won't have my teeth straightened. I think they're very Hugh Grant-ish. My theory is that them Brits got their accent from their crooked teeth.

NOSE

I like the shape of my tall nose, thank you. I do not like the large pores though. I read it's common for males with oily or combination skin, especially smokers. Ok, ok, I will have to quit the nicotine and perhaps apply pore minimizers more religiously. I will not have my nose altered because I've seen really bad nose jobs. Besides, I'm a fan of Barbra... (singing) "I've kept my clothes and kept my space. I've kept my nose to spite my face! Either they cheer or they jeer, but I'm here!"

Now the goal here is to bag a rich man. With all the above accomplished; I'll be eating healthily, would've stopped smoking, have high cheekbones, and be a tight-fisted-high-cheekboned-sloane-accented compleat Pinoy Gay of the New Millenium! Who needs botox or facelifts when you have no worries?!

Now that's a thought, makapag-yosi na nga muna.