TOTI & DAVID (The Blogcom 10)

E-POSTSODE 10: ALL THE PRESIDENTIABLES' MEN

INT. EVENING. DINING ROOM

(Toti and David are having dinner, the TV is airing Gibo's ad...)

DAVID

(Chuckling) Hey, that Jee-bow is capitalizing on his cousin's restaurant, Cibo... look he has the resto's colors, green and orange!

TOTI

It's GI-BOH not Jee-Bow... and you must be referring to Mar Roxas... he's the cousin of Cibo's owner... AND, orange is Villar's color... you've got everything mixed up you dodo! BUT, do you know who's related to Gibo?!

DAVID

Who?

TOTI

Noynoy Aquino. They're cousins on the Cojuangco side!

DAVID

Egads! Your country is going to be run by the oligarchs again!

TOTI

What do you mean again?! Did they ever leave?! But you know, this is their one shot at improving the Filipino's lot. They should go for genuine land reform and industrialization. Create jobs for everyone. They shouldn't just convert their feudal landholdings and put up more malls again! Now, THAT would be a legacy their ancestors would be proud of. Otherwise them leftists would recycle their decades-old slogans again. Aaaaargh!!!

DAVID

It's the corruption in your country, Toti... you should've guillotined the Marcoses like they did Marie Antoinette or hanged them like the Ceausescus of Romania... that surely would scare the future Eraps and Glorias of this country...

TOTI

We were THIS close until YOUR government sent in a plane and whisked the Marcoses off to Hawaii... and dare I say it again, that's how you Americans get into trouble in the first place... poking your mighty noses in other people's business...

DAVID

Oh TOTI, lighten up... No, better light up again... ever since you quit smoking you've been horribly testy...

TOTI

(grinning ear to ear) You mean it?!

DAVID

Don't you dare! Why not chew gum...

TOTI

Cavities...

DAVID

Acupuncture...?

TOTI

hate needles

DAVID

Yoga...?

TOTI

Too hot and boring...

DAVID

Oh, I give up... (beat) ... you know what those Presidentiables should give free, quality education at all levels to Filipinos... No, wait... the Catholic Church should give free education... they're the ones with the best private schools in the country after all... and they don't pay taxes... and they...

TOTI

Oh don't get started with that whole Catholic Church blah, blah, blah again... they won't even recognize us as a couple noh?!

DAVID

What do you say we leave the Philippines...?

TOTI

YES! Let's!!!

TOTI & DAVID (The Blogcom 9)

E-POSTSODE 9: SINGIN' IN THE RAIN

INT / NIGHT / LIVING ROOM

(It is raining hard outside. Toti has just arrived from work. As he puts down his things, David enters and is soaking wet...)

TOTI
Honey, what...?! You're soaking wet...

DAVID
Those idiots! They better wish that's the last time I'm going over there...

TOTI
Did you have an argument with a cab driver again...?

DAVID
Nope. I went to the other street to your friendly neighbors, you know the Makati's Got Talent contestants, Toti, I can't believe they've been on karaoke since 11am. And every time they would sing a new song, it seemed they would put up the volume a notch higher! It was driving me nuts! I couldn't finish my work...

TOTI
Oh honey, tell me you didn't...

DAVID
Oh you bet I did! I told them they could sing all they want but could they please do it indoors and make sure to close all their windows and door and turn down the volume. You know what those bums did?! They offered me a shot of gin, told me to pick a song and handed the microphone to me! And everyone was calling me Joe! I was furious! I told them I didn't care if it was Jun-Jun's birthday, or Len-Len's first month on the job, or Bing-Bing's baptism, or Pao-Pao's circumcision, or whoever redundant-named idiot is celebrating -- I don't care!!! I told them they were bothering the whole neighborhood and it's past 10 pm already! You know what they told me?! Those friggin teens told me they were celebrating the death of Cory and the Philippines' Pride and Nationhood or some words to that effect and that it was their right to do whatever they wanted because they were within the confines of their private property anyway! I told them I would report this to the Barangay Captain only to find out that idiot was right there just about to sing! I told them it may be their right to do anything they want but it's also MY RIGHT TO SOME PEACE AND QUIET!!! Aaaaargh!!! You Filipinos don't know what freedom is... you don't know what nationalism and patriotism is... you don't know... Oh never mind! I'm just glad they've stopped singing!

(We hear the neighbors sing the refrain of 'American Pie' on the loudest volume)

NEIGHBORS (o.c.)
"Ba-bay Miss American Pie, sold my tse-vy to d' lebee but d' lebee was dry. Dem good ol boys were drinking red horse and sprite singing dis will be d' day dat YOU die! Dis will be d' day dat you die, JOE!" Hey JOE! Come back here! You want some more gin?! Ip you cannot beat dem, join them Joe! Hahahahahahahaha!

DAVID
That's it! I'm taking a shower. Please pack our bags, we're checking-in at the Pen! (David goes upstairs)

TOTI
(To himself) Yippee! Manila Pen! I think I should ask those boys to sing every weekend so we can check-in at a hotel. (Shouts to David teasingly...) David! If Imelda is at the Pen's Lobby and sings 'Dahil Sa Yo', will we fly to the Hong Kong Peninsula instead?! (Imelda the dog goes to Toti...) Imelda, I was not referring to you.(Toti grins sheepishly as he goes upstairs to pack their bags)

TOTI & DAVID (The Blogcom 8)

E-POSTSODE 8: BLESS THE BEASTS AND THE CHILDREN

INT / DAY / LIVING ROOM

(The doorbell rings, David goes to open door and sees their new neighbor, a young girl, by the door, she has a package with her...)

KIM

Hi mister! May I come and play with your dogs?

DAVID

Why sure, come in, and please call me David. And what is your name young lady?

KIM

I'm Kim. We just moved in next door. My mom says I should give you these if I want to be your friends... (she hands him the small box)

DAVID

Oh thank you very much... tell your mom it is us who should give you something to welcome all of you in the neighborhood...

(Toti who has just woken up enters...)

TOTI

We have a guest... how charming...

DAVID

Toti, this is Kim... our new neighbor... she's come to play with the dogs and has brought something specially for you, so why don't you be a darling yourself and get her some juice and cookies... Kim, this is Toti... um, my friend...

KIM

(patting the dogs on their heads) Are your dogs gay too?

DAVID

Um, Kim... no they're not... Pacquiao here is male and Imelda is female...

TOTI

And Imelda has got taste, Kim... by the way how old are you?

KIM

I'm four (raising four fingers on her left hand)...

TOTI

Alam ba ng magulang mo na andito ka? (Do your parents know you're here?)

KIM

I don't speak Tagalog. I only speak English and Cebuano...

TOTI

Oh, I'm so sorry, Miss... I asked, do your parents know that you're here?

KIM

My mom knows I would come today... I told her I wanted to play with your dogs... they don't want to buy me a dog... my stepfather says I'm still too young to take care of one...

TOTI

Stepfather...?! Come sit down and have breakfast with me and tell me all about, um, your family...

DAVID

Toti...

KIM

Hans is German... he met my mom in Cebu... but now that they're married we had to move here to Manila because Hans owns a company here...

TOTI

When did they get married? David, East meets West... How nice... how sweet... I loooove love stories...

KIM

The wedding was two days ago... I was flower girl but I really wanted to be the one holding the rings and giving it to them. Why do the boys get to do all the fun stuff?

DAVID

Two days ago? So they must be on honeymoon now? Who is left with you at home?

KIM

Oh no, my mom was brought to the hospital last night... my yaya (nanny) is with me...

DAVID

Hospital? What happened?

TOTI

Was it an emergency?

KIM

I don't know... I don't think so...she seemed ok...

DAVID

Must be the stress from wedding preparations and then moving in to your new apartment and all that...

KIM

Yeah... maybe... last night at the hospital Mom told me to give you the dried mangoes when I come over and to be a good girl, that's all... and to go home when you guys tell me to... and that I shouldn't bother you...

DAVID

Kim, Darling, you can play as long as you want with the dogs... right, Toti?

TOTI

Hmmm...yeah, sure... so, it's Hans who's staying with your mom in the hospital?

KIM

Yes... but they'll be back tonight... can you open the box I gave you now, I'd like to have some of the dried mangoes...

DAVID

Oh sure... you really didn't have to bring some you know... when your parents arrive, tell them Toti and I would like to meet them... maybe we all can have dinner here someday... Toti, don't you think that's a good idea?

TOTI

You cook... you cook for Smarty-Pants, Miss Cebu, and Hansolo The Hun...

KIM

Okay, David, I'll tell them... (She plays with the dogs. After a few minutes...) um, David... what is the meaning of 'post-coital laceration'?

TOTI & DAVID

(In shock) HUHHHHHH...

KIM

(she just shrugs then continues to play with the dogs) Manggawas ta magdula sa gawas... (come let's play outside)

TOTI & DAVID (The Blogcom 7)

E-POSTSODE 7: TWO MORE FOR THE ROAD

Int / 3 am / Living Room-Kitchen

(Toti and David have just gone home from a party. Toti is scowling as he pours himself a glass of water. The dogs greet David as he enters and sings at the top of his voice...)

DAVID

"...when you're down and troubled, and you need some loving care..." (Pacquiao the mongrel licks David's face) Hey, Toti pour me one of those please... no tonic, just three ice cubes... "... winter, spring, summer or AU...TUMN... hihihi...all you got to do is BOT...TOM... and I'll be there..." (He tries to let Imelda the Weimaraner lick his face too but Imelda runs over to Toti) Imelda, what's the matter with you?

TOTI

You're pissed drunk and it's not funny.

DAVID

Ok, so I had a few drinks...

TOTI

Two glasses of red wine, then four bottles of beer, plus two vodka tonics, and a last shot of tequila is one too many drinks, David...

DAVID

I didn't know you were keeping track... it's not my fault that bastard ex-fashion model hogged all the red wine to herself... hic... so I shifted to beers... then THEY ran out of... hic... beers... so I opened the bottle of Stoli...

TOTI

Which was our gift to the celebrant...

DAVID

oh...hic...heehehehe... well, it was meant to be shared... I just wanted to get everyone in the mood... 'twas boring... hic... 'twas still boring at 10:30 pm...

TOTI

Well, you're irritatingly pissed drunk and it's 3 am and I've got to sleep.

DAVID

I wanted to have fun, that's all. Hic... that's why we decided to take a cab and not drive... you don't know how to have fun anymore... did you see how they all laughed at my Balut Vendor Impersonation? BalleeeeeeeewT... Piiiiiiiinnnooooy!...Ballleeeeeeeewt!

TOTI

Dirty dancing with the waiter is not my idea of fun. Did you have to hold on to the microphone all night? Even the band members were a bit uneasy already with you singing all the time...

DAVID

Duh... hic... the crowd loved me... hic... the only reason I kept singing was because... hic... they kept shouting 'more!', 'bravo!', ... hic... 'take it off!'...

TOTI

Yup, nothing entertains Pinoys more than to see old, drunk, bare chested white men! I don't care if you drink a whole truck of beer, it's when you start making an ass out of yourself, that's when it gets to me.

DAVID

Now really, what's bothering you... hic?

TOTI

Did you have to spend time with Ricky?

DAVID

Ricky..? oh...hic...Ricky... ok, now I get it... Rickster... Ricky the ex boyfriend...

TOTI

Yes, Ricky... that one you told me you don't have any feelings for anymore...

DAVID

Toti... Toti... my sweetie, Toti is... hic... jealous... I love it when you get jealous... (he tries to embrace Toti)

TOTI

(steps away) Oh don't make fun of me. I saw how you were talking, whispering sweet things into his ear... I saw you hold his hands...

DAVID

you should've been there... hic...

TOTI

You oaf! Don't treat this like it's nothing... I saw you... you were about to kiss him, damn you!

DAVID

Toti, Toti... calm down... the reason I was holding his hands was because he tried to cop a feel... so i gripped it hard... and told him not to try that stuff again... then he asks me if I could go visit him next week... and I said 'yes', but only if you were with me... and he said no it will just be the two of us, his boyfriend will be leaving for Singapore for two weeks and he tried to put his hands inside my pants... and that's when I whispered in his ear; "You lay off me and Toti from now on, Ricky." I gripped his hand harder, I wanted to break his fingers... and said "I mean it, Ricky... stay away from us." And that's all that transpired, sweetie... hic... hihihihi... oh no... hic... there it goes again...

(Toti is close to tears and doesn't want David to see him cry so he runs up the stairs, Imelda following him...)

DAVID

(shouting) I came home with you, didn't I?! ... (He talks to Pacquiao...) What is it with Toti, you think he's menopausal... have another drink with me now, will you, Pacquiao? Yup, let the girls go do their hair and nails and stuff... It's just you and me, kid. You can eat all the poo-loo-tahn if you want... (He pours himself a glass of water... then slumps into the sofa.)

TOTI & DAVID (The Blogcom 6)

E-POSTSODE 6: LA VIE EN ROSE TATTOO

INT / LATE AFTERNOON / LIVING ROOM

(Toti is busy scanning some magazines for graphic images; David enters...)

DAVID

Have a presentation today?

TOTI

Nah... just need some references...

DAVID

Hmm... those are pretty...

TOTI

Pretty?!

DAVID

I meant pretty cool... is that for a billboard?

TOTI

Nope... I'm getting a tattoo.

DAVID

Why would you want a tattoo? That's so last millenium.

TOTI

I thought a tattoo peering out my shorts, just above my buns, would be nice for the beach.

DAVID

First a small, discreet one at the lower back, then you'll add another in your arm, then you'll get one on your leg... what are you gonna do next, piercings?

TOTI

Oh no, sweetie, I promise, just one, pleeeeeaaase? Will you help me pick out a design then?

DAVID

It's your body, it's your choice.

TOTI

Jeez... I'm having a tattoo not an abortion. Besides, it may be my body but you're the one who'll get to see it most of the time.

DAVID

No, Toti, you decide. Because if one day you'll regret having it, I don't want to be blamed half for it... Why don't you try it with henna first?

TOTI

(sulks) Ok... ok... so, how bout this one...

DAVID

Too tribal...

TOTI

This?

DAVID

Too butch... you'll need a Harley and leather pants to go with that one.

TOTI

This then...

DAVID

Are you out of your mind?! Even Hannibal Lecter would find that way too heavy... honey, you could get arrested just for having that tattoo.

TOTI

Ok... I'll just decide on my own then... thank you very much...

(The doorbell rings. Toti goes to open door, he leads JC, a young, good-looking, buffed, tattoo artist into the living room, JC is holding his backpack and helmet)

DAVID

You ordered pizza?

TOTI

David... JC. uh... JC, this is David. JC's here to do my tattoo...

DAVID

I think I better hang out here a bit...

TOTI

You can't stand needles... now go up to your room. I'll call you when it's done... surprise!

DAVID

Just one tattoo, honey... and that's all he's doing okay?

(Toti signals David to leave the room as Toti removes his shirt. JC sets up his equipment. David goes upstairs... After an hour and a half... JC packs his things, Toti pays him, and leads him to the door... JC revs his motorcycle... David hears this and so he goes back downstairs)

DAVID

Done already? Well that was quick! Lemme see...

TOTI

Don't touch it, it's still sore... (Toti turns his back and reveals on his lower back, just above his buns, a yellow, Tweety Bird tattoo)

DAVID

(Breathes in air in shock... then...) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

TOTI

Whaaat?! What's so funny?!

DAVID

Tell me that's in henna, honey...

TOTI

Nope, it's permanent. If it were in henna it wouldn't ache this much.

DAVID

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

TOTI

WHAAAAAT?! WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!

DAVID

Oh honey, what kind of pansy would get a Tweety Bird tattoo? Did you ask permission from David Geffen?... Honey, you're never getting past immigration with that tattoo... they'll skin you alive for piracy! (trying to stifle his chuckles) I can just hear all the jokes by the beach now: "Uhm, mister, there's a tiny bird up your ass!" or even "I tawt I taw a puddy cock!" hihihihihihi

You could even get into trouble when a kid runs over to his parents and says "Dad, that man put my Tweety Bird on his ass!" hihihihihihihi you'll be the butt of jokes... on twitter!

TOTI

You didn't want to help me pick out one... so live with it!

DAVID

hihihihihihi... no more showers together in the meantime honey, unless you want them to be laughfests! Oh, and lights out in the bedroom from now on...

TOTI

That shouldn't be a problem... I'm sleeping in the guest room. (he goes upstairs)

DAVID

Honey, shall I bring up your dinner?! You want wine to go with your birdseed?! hihihihihi

TOTI & DAVID (The Blogcom 5)

E-POSTSODE 5: MY BEST FRIEND'S PARENTS' WEDDING

INT. / DINING TABLE / SUNDAY BRUNCH

(Toti is eating sinangag and longganisa while David is having pancakes, bacon, eggs and a glass of milk)

TOTI

Wait, hold it right there... (reaches for his celfone and takes a picture of David) There, you'd be perfect for our next ad campaign (shows David his pic with a milk mustache)

DAVID

Oh, but that campaign has been done before...

TOTI

I know, but it's what the clients want...

DAVID

How original... I preferred your 'Camping Storyboard': where the kids tell their father & mother to drink their milk, and tell them all the benefits of why they should drink milk everyday, why it's good for the bones and all that... then the kids tuck their parents in bed, kiss them goodnight, "now you be a good Daddy and Mommy, the kids are going out tonight"... then they go outside in the moonlight to their backyard, meet up with their friends, go inside the tent they've pitched, play cards, smoking imaginary cigarettes, while drinking milk out of beer mugs!

TOTI

I know, I loved that concept too... but even the creative team didn't appreciate the irony... they still want the mother-goose-everything-rosy-and-sunshiney-the-world-is-perfect TV commercial... how cutting-edge, only the cutting edge needs a good slap on a leather strap...

DAVID

Are they still using that fat actress as endorser?

TOTI

(almost chokes on his food) David! She's the mega-star! Don't let any of my co-workers hear you say that... that's almost sacrilegious! They'd burn you like a fattened capon, chop you to pieces, toss you into the boiling cauldron, and offer you to the high priestess of Philippine Advertising... you know, the one who thinks he's Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada!

DAVID

(chuckles) Go easy on the vinegar dip, honey, your tongue's acerbic enough... where'd you learn to spew such language?

TOTI

My mom raised me well... you should've met her... oh boy, at less than 5 feet tall, how she could make a mouse out of my Dad with her one-liners, with one look, and the perfect jab of her retorts! BAM! And my Dad would start to thrash everything within grasp!

DAVID

Must've been fun growing up in your household...

TOTI

Yeah... but at one point my parents' daily drama got the better of us. We had scrambled sarcasm for breakfast, grilled arguments for lunch, pancakes slathered with saccharine apologies for the afternoon snack, a heartily tossed catharsis salad for dinner, then a mug of forget-about-everything-that happened-today chocolate milk before bedtime. (Toti loses it...) AND I WAS ONLY FUCKIN' 5 YEARS OLD!

(Toti tries to regain composure, he vainly attempts to hold back the tears welling up in his eyes as he tinkers with the food on his plate, his hands shaking...

Beat. David reaches over and holds Toti's hand...)

TOTI

(standing up and sings...) And that's how the little girl down the lane grew uuupppppp! (Toti lights up a cigarette and steps outside towards porch.)

DAVID

(Beat) I'm just here, honey... I'm just here. And will always be here. Don't you forget that. (He starts to clear the table...)

TOTI

(shaking and in tears mutters to himself) Didn't they know better than to feed their kids verbal abuse...

A new e-postsode of Toti & David will be posted every Sunday

TOTI & DAVID (The Blogcom 4)

E-POSTSODE 4: DRIVING ME DIZZY

INT/EXT / DAVID'S CAR / EARLY EVENING

(Toti & David are on their way home from a day-trip in the south of Manila. They are playing 'Categories' to while away the time in traffic...)

TOTI

...Denmark?

DAVID

...said it...

TOTI

...uhm...uh...Dominican Republic!

DAVID

Ok. Djibouti.

TOTI

Huh? D' Beauty?

DAVID

Dji-bou-ti...

TOTI

No such country exists. You're making it up...

DAVID

Bet?

TOTI

Ok you win. Enough of geography. Can I pick the next category?... Famous Gay or Lesbian Couples... Past or Present... Oscar Wilde and Lord Alfred Douglas...

DAVID

...Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas....

TOTI

How about Merchant I-forgot-his-first-name & James Ivory?

DAVID

Merchant & Ivory ha? Very well... Dolce & Gabbana...

TOTI

Rock Hudson and James Dean...

DAVID

Just because they had a fling doesn't make them a couple? Besides it was all hearsay... Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche.

TOTI

Duh?! Ellen Degeneres AND Portia Da Rossi.

DAVID

Ernie and Bert

TOTI

Ernie and Bert aren't gay! If they were they'd keep up with the fashion times. Bert is still wearing that stupid striped v-neck shirt! Retro is soooo last millenium?! I'm talking about real famous gay & lesbian couples. Not muppets. Your turn!

(David makes a sharp left turn...)

TOTI

David...!

DAVID

You told me to turn!

(They hear a police siren behind them. Policeman in motorcycle overtakes and signals David to pull over... David stops car by the side as police walks toward them)

TOTI

Oh no... Just bribe him...

DAVID

I'm not going to bribe anyone...

TOTI

This will just take sooooo long...

DAVID

Good evening officer. I didn't know you couldn't turn left back there...

POLICE

It's ok Sir... we're just making random checks... where are you from, sir?

DAVID

Oh we live a few blocks from here, near Reposo...

POLICE

No, I mean what country are you from?

DAVID

Oh, I'm from California, USA.

POLICE

Oh, I have many relatives there!

TOTI

(mutters to himself) utang na loob, chumika pa ang hitad... (and he has the nerve to small talk...)

DAVID

Have you been to California before?

POLICE

No, but I plan to go this year. My visa was denied before... maybe you can help me...

TOTI

Uhm, David... I think we have to go... (To police) Sir, baka naman pwede na po kaming... nagmamadali po kasi itong kasama ko at may overseas call pa syang inaantay (Sir, would it be okay if we... my friend here is in a rush, he's expecting an overseas call...)

POLICE

Sir, will you please open your luggage compartment... this is just a routine random check... there have been bomb threats we have received lately... (Police goes to rear of car...)

TOTI

Will you please stop making small talk with the police. You never know what these guys are capable of... what if he plants some contraband at the back of the car?!

DAVID

But he seems genuinely nice... I don't think he's going to do...

POLICE

Okay sir, you may go now... if you want I can escort you...

TOTI

Ay! Wag na po, dyan lang naman po kami nakatira... (It's alright, we just live near from here)

POLICE

(To David) Ok, here's my card, just in case you get into any traffic problem in Makati, show the police my card, tell them I'm your friend (He winks at David and smiles)

(David gets card, shakes the hand of the police officer and thanks him. They drive off...)

TOTI

Did you see that?

DAVID

(feigning ignorance) What?

TOTI

He was coming on to you!

DAVID

(looking at the card and grinning) He wasn't...

TOTI

I saw him wink at you! And policemen don't give out their cards?!

DAVID

He was just being nice... and if you were nicer to other people as well, without being catty all the time, you'll see, people will be nice to you too...

TOTI

And you were leading him on!

DAVID

(teasingly) Oh, Honey... you're jealous...

TOTI

It's just that... I always thought... between the two of us... I was the gorgeous one...

DAVID

And you are, honey. You're a looker.... Maybe you're not just his type... that's all. No need to get upset about it...

TOTI

You're not going to call him are you?

DAVID

Huh? No...

TOTI

Give me his card...

DAVID

Keep the card in the car... you never know when it's going to come in handy... besides you don't drive...

TOTI

Let me see his card, I'll google him...

DAVID

(hands Toti the card) ...ogle all you want, dear!

TOTI

Oh... my... god... (Toti is looking at card in disbelief. At the backside of the card is a photo of the policeman in leather and bondage paraphernalia... he is smiling in the photo... there is a caption that says... "I'm yours. If you're bad!")

DAVID

(looking straight down the road, whistling the first two lines of YMCA...) Why do I always attract the creeps and weirdos...?!

TOTI

ULOL! (Hits David's arm with his abanico)

A new e-postsode of Toti & David will be posted every Sunday.

ULOL -- shithead

abanico -- fan

TOTI & DAVID (The Blogcom 3)

E-POSTSODE 3: DRESS ME UP, DRESS ME DOWN

INT. LATE AFTERNOON, SATURDAY JUNE 27. LIVING ROOM

Toti is checking his all-white, velour tennis outfit in the mirror. David walks in...

DAVID

You're playing tennis now?

(Toti ignores David as he practices his tennis strokes with an imaginary tennis racket and ball, grunting as he 'hits' a ball, bouncing the ball before serving, etc.)

DAVID

I didn't know you play tennis...

TOTI

I don't... (he gets bronzer and applies some on his legs and arms) We're going to Malate tonight for the Gay Pride White Party...

DAVID

Uhhhhhh Honey... please not the White Party again...

TOTI

We never go out anymore, David... I promise tonight will be fun, it won't rain like last year...

DAVID

(Teasingly) Let me guess, you're going as which Williams sister again...?

TOTI

Very funny... (Gets a blonde wig with large curlers) TADA! FARRAH FAWCETT! (Toti puts on wig and starts to remove curlers... then he resumes practicing his tennis strokes again)

DAVID

You look beautiful in that Honey...

TOTI

Sweetie Pie, let's go pleeeeaaase, it's going to be fun...

DAVID

I have nothing to wear...

TOTI

(Toti gets something from a paper shopping bag) Here... (Hands him a sequined glove) You can go as Michael Jackson!

DAVID

I'm too fat to be Michael Jackson...

TOTI

But you're white as Michael Jackson!... wear all black then put on the glove and moonwalk your way to the bar...

DAVID

Honey... I'm not sure about this... please, can we not go to Malate this year. Malate depresses me. All those street children selling me flowers... and those old, fat, white men with children of both genders... Honey... I know you went through all these trouble to get your costume, which I think really looks good on you... but, can we skip the White Party this year?

(Toti stops doing his tennis moves and frowns)

DAVID

Oh Honey... (beat) Okay, but I'm not going as Michael Jackson... (He goes toward Toti) You can go as Farrah Fawcett and I'll go as... (He gets down on one knee) Ryan O'Neal... will you marry me?

TOTI

Awww... Sweetie Pie (He sits on David's leg) Thank you... well, it's just that we haven't gone out for the longest time... you don't take me out to dinner or the movies anymore, or... Thanks David... Oh, but when you propose to me later in front of the crowd...? I want a diamond solitaire!

DAVID

(Reaches into his pocket as they both stand up) I've got something better... Pack your bags, Sweetie Pie... we're flying to El Nido tomorrow! (He shows plane tickets) Happy Anniversary!

TOTI

Oh David... I thought you'd forgotten...

DAVID

What do you say we skip Malate and just order out and have a quiet dinner here tonight... we do have an early flight tomorrow...

TOTI

(Teasingly) You think they have a tennis court in El Nido town? I wonder if there's a gorgeous tennis coach there... Or I could learn to scuba dive...? I heard the dive masters in El Nido are hunks...

DAVID

Honey, you're gonna absorb the entire China Sea like a sponge if you dive in that outfit...

TOTI

Haha! (Gets cordless phone) So, let's do Junk Food Saturday? Yellow Cab or Friday's?

TOTI DAVID

Yellow Cab Friday's

TOTI DAVID

Ok, Friday's Ok, Yellow Cab

TOTI DAVID

You decide! You decide!

-curtains-

a new e-postsode of Toti & David will be posted every sunday

TOTI & DAVID (The Blogcom 2)

E-POSTSODE 2: LOST (AND FOUND) IN TRANSLATION

Int. Saturday Evening. Bedroom.

The TV illuminates the dark bedroom as Toti & David are watching a film on DVD. We hear the last few strains of the film's background music as credits go up. Toti & David are quiet. David turns on lamp on his side of the bed. He gets remote control and turns off DVD/TV.

DAVID

So... how did you like the movie?

TOTI

uhm... t'was okay...

DAVID

No, really... I want to know what you thought of it...

TOTI

Well... I... I didn't like that scene at the Shabu-Shabu resto where Bill Murray and Scarlett Jo'Hara...

DAVID

Johansson...

TOTI

Yeah, Johnston, whatever... anyway, I think they were total dorks in the Japanese restaurant! I mean, you Americans don't know how to accept and enjoy other cultures... you travel abroad and stay as American as forever, looking for the first McDonalds you spot, and laugh at how other people live their lives if it doesn't appeal to you. And that's how you Americans get into trouble in the first place. You're all so arrogant even outside your territory...

DAVID

But...

TOTI

And Bill and Scarlett are just two bored Americans using their alienation as a convenient excuse to have an affair! It's like 'Falling In Love' -- at least De Niro and Meryl Streep were of the same age, more or less! (beat) What do you think?

DAVID

Exactly, I was just thinking, how could a young, pretty, hot woman like Scarlett Yo-han-sson fall for an oaf like Bill Murray! Now, if Jack Nicholson played the part...

TOTI

...Jack Nicholson would've taught Scarlett how to use chopsticks and I'd love the movie...

(David turns off lamp. David and Toti turn their backs away from each other. Beat.)

DAVID

Why didn't Bill Murray just shoot Ground Hog Day 2... you know, where he wakes up everyday and it's always February 2...

TOTI & DAVID

... IN JAPAN!

(They laugh and snicker and tickle each other. When they settle down, David cradles Toti under his arms... they resume getting to sleep with smiles on their faces. Beat.)

TOTI

(whispers) David...

DAVID

Hmmm...what...?

TOTI

Sorry... okay go back to sleep... (to himself) Next time I'm choosing what DVDs to play.

DAVID

(mutters to himself) Oh no, not another Kevin Bacon retrospective...

TOTI

(elbows David in the stomach) I heard that!

DAVID

Ouch! (He gets up...)

TOTI

Where you...

DAVID

Have to pee... (He goes towards toilet singing and dancing...) Footloose, footloose, put on your Sunday shoes...

(Toti throws a pillow at David. Then his blanket.)

TOTI

Sleep in the sala!

A new e-postsode of TOTI & DAVID will be posted every Sunday

TOTI & DAVID (The Blogcom 1)

E-POSTSODE 1: PRIDE, PREJUDICE AND PRONUNCIATION

Toti is a Filipino gay in his early 30s. David an American, also gay, in his late 40s. They have been cohabiting for the past 3 years in a typical apartment in Makati, Philippines. It is a Sunday afternoon, David is busy working at his laptop. Toti steps out onto the porch...

TOTI

What is this rag out...?

DAVID

Honey, you don't say 'rag out'... it's 'ragout'!

TOTI

No, I'm talking 'bout this rag out here...

DAVID

Oh you mean 'rug', not 'rag'... and appropriately, it's a door mat.

TOTI

No... I'm talking 'bout this rag. Your friggin' old t-shirt you cut up this morning to wipe Pacquiao's puke! Before you even interrupt me, why don't you get your eyes off that laptop and see what I'm talking about! Must you always correct my pronunciation? I hate it when you do that, David!

DAVID

Oh, Honey, don't get testy with me...

(Toti gets leashes for Imelda, the pet Weimaraner and Pacquiao, the mongrel who scares the shit out of all the neighborhood dogs.)

TOTI

I'm walking the dogs, YOU cook dinner!

DAVID

Oh, okay... how would you like your steak?

TOTI

I'm not eating your bloody steak, I WANT TUYO! (under his breath) ...Leche

DAVID

Toti dear, don't let me cook your tuyo?

TOTI

It's TOH-Tea, not TOE-tee, and it's Two-YOH, not TOO-YOW... (to the dogs) halina kayo mga bata, dali, mamamasyal tayo ni mommy! (let's go kids, Mom's taking you out for a walk!)

DAVID

How do you expect the dogs to be disciplined when you insist on talking to them in Tagalog! Dogs aren't bilingual...

TOTI

(stepping outside) Akala nya hindi ko alam ang 'ragout' at paano bigkasin ito? Kaloka!

Ragout-ragout ka pa dyan, pochero lang yan no?! (And he thinks I don't know what 'ragout' is and how it's pronounced?! That's pochero!)

-curtains-

A new e-postsode of TOTI & DAVID will be posted every Sunday.

tuyo: salted, dried fish often eaten with raw tomatoes

pochero/puchero: A meat stew similar to Spain's cocido, but Indigenized by Filipinos via the addition of saba bananas and/or sweet potatoes.